I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my blogging over the past week. And in particular I’ve been considering the last few posts I’ve written.
You see, it’s all very new to me, the idea of writing about my experiences and thoughts, bearing my soul to the wide world.
I’ve been trying to provide some background to a part of my life, my mental illness, my personality disorder.
I’m not sure whether revisiting the potential causes is for the benefit of others or myself. I hope it helps others in some ways, or else why do it. And yet I can’t help but question the point – there are already tens of thousands of articles out there saying pretty much the same thing. Who wants to hear it again? Who wants to know? Am I just falling into a narcissistic trap? Is this just a manifestation of my illness, or is it a part of my healthy personality?
And what about the style. Am I just writing in a factual way to avoid my feelings? I know that rationalisation is a favourite defence of mine.
Or am I using my blogging to gain approval?
Judging by the number of times I check the stats to see how many visitors and views I’ve had I’m sure that’s part of it. What, no comments? Only four likes? You mean I invested a day thinking through and writing a piece and only four people liked it.
And even then I question..did they actually read it or just glance at it.
Again the question, why am I writing this? Wouldn’t I be better engaged leading a prayer group or just receiving help rather than trying to give it?
Yet I feel called forward, so I’ll keep writing.
I just wanted you to know that the act of blogging doesn’t come without serious doubts, doubts that we either listen to or choose to ignore.
For the time being at least, I’m choosing to ignore them. And to keep praying.